This is Weird

So, it’s about 1:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep.  Next thing you know, here I am on my blog site, reading all of my old posts and of course reflecting.  It’s kind of weird, rereading and reliving in my mind everything that happened and where I was in my life almost two years ago.  So much has changed, and for anyone going through a rough time in their life, I just want to say that time really does heal.

After I finished writing my last blog  post, I had every intention of never visiting my blog again.  It had served it’s purpose in my healing process and I believed that I was done with it.  After going through my posts I found myself entertaining thoughts that I wanted to write down, and it became apparent that maybe I’m not done with this blog just yet.  I have yet to decide if this is just because of my insomnia, or if maybe I’ll bring it back for a while longer.  But, again, this is kind of weird, but it’s happening sooooo here we go….

Alright, well, I guess I’m just going to start off with what made me itch to write again.  I initially started with my first few posts in January of 2012 to read.  The first was about when my Mom first told me that she had leukemia, and then the second one I read was about the weather  we had had and I was basically warning people going to visit my Mom to be careful driving in the snow.  It was really kind of random and out of place compared to all of my other posts, but (SPOILER) sometimes the things you find to be most random end up having meaning in some way.

Seeing as how it is the start to the holidays, I am going to rewind for a second to Christmas of 2011…

This was right after my first semester of college was over, I had missed my family and it was so great to be home for the holidays.  Christmas was nice, nothing out of the ordinary, just your average family Christmas.  Then, New Years rolls around and it had just lightly snowed, but enough that the roads were slick.  I was driving on bridge street and hit ice going over a bridge and ended up in a ditch.  It was the first accident I had ever had and I was scared to death.

Now back to the random post I was referring to… Like I said, I warned people about the snow because of that wreck I was just in before my Mom found out about her cancer.  The whole big point I’m about to make here is that in the moment, you see a situation at face value.  It’s not until you revisit that situation that you really see it for what it really is.

After my wreck, I called the police and then called my Mom.  In that moment I was traumatized, I was mad at myself for driving in the snow, and I didn’t want my car totaled.  After the cop came, and my Dad and Mom got there I just broke down, and I will never forget that moment of just standing there crying in my Mom’s arms.

So here we are, this was my major revelation I just had at 1:30 in the morning while I can’t sleep…

That was the last day I really hugged my Mom, I mean really hugged her.  As children, it’s not an uncommon thing to just hang on your parents,  need them, want them to hold you.  But as you get older you hug goodbye or maybe a kiss on the head but you never really hug someone like it’s your last embrace, just because.  The day that I wrecked I was scared, it brought out in me that childlike emotion where I was afraid and needed to hold on to someone.

A few days after my wreck I went back to school.  A few days after that, my Mom had cancer.  At the time, I was angry that I was carless and my Mom was going to be hospitalized.  But that was just me looking at my situation from the surface.  I would total my car 10x over if I could keep hugging my Mom like that and I am so beyond happy that I have that memory.

After writing all of that I am actually feeling tired, so I’ll leave you with this, hold on to your family a few extra seconds over the Holiday.  Hug them like you mean it, don’t just go through the motion… I know we are all guilty of this at times.  I know that if it weren’t for my wreck, I wouldn’t remember the last time I embraced my Mom, my beautifully healthy Mother.  But I do, and it was the best Christmas present I never knew I had received that year.

cook

 

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